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Morning News

Posted by Keith Eckstein on May 19, 2020 in Blog | 0 comments

focus-ratings-mornoing news Good morning...

Today I am largely going to be working on a post to explain the effect of the draw at Happy Valley - hence the early start.

The first race of the day (on Wednesday) starts at 11:45 so I'll try and get the post finished well before them.

Compass Ratings

The link to tomorrow's ratings (top 3 rated) for the Wednesday meeting at Happy Valley is... http://compassratings.com/data/compassratings-2020-05-20.pdf

The link to tomorrow's ratings (all horses) for the Wednesday meeting at Happy Valley is... http://compassratings.com/data/compassratings-full-2020-05-20.pdf

French Ratings

There is 1 Group/Graded/Listed race in France today.

I have rated it but I do have to say that it's just a sort of glorified Bumper and I certainly won't be betting on it.

The link to today's French ratings is... http://focusratings.com/french/FrenchRatings-2020-05-19.pdf

If you want to watch replays of any of the races that I have rated you may do so by following this link... http://www.france-galop.com/en/racing/replays

You need to register but it's free; the text on the website is in English but, of course, the commentator speaks in French.

Personally I can't watch the race if I've got some bets on it but I do like to watch the relay once I know what the result is.

If you're really weird you can watch replays of Trotting races at https://www.letrot.com/fr/replay-courses/2020-05-18/6901/1

I don't rate these races and certainly don't bet on them but I think that they are the funniest things to watch since Monty Python.

Other Ratings

The Racing Post is showing 2 meetings in the States today but all of the racing seems very low grade and I am not rating any of those races.

Something to make you smile...

British Humour - slightly offensive to the French (and why not?)

The train was quite crowded, and a US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

A British sinner goes to hell...

He arrives at the gates of hell and since he's the worst sinner of all time, The Devil comes to receive him himself.

The Devil then starts walking him into a huge building and tells him that sinners don't get to choose as to the kind of punishment they will receive but the British guy being the worst of all time, the devil shows him 3 different doors and tells him "I'll let you choose which ever door you want to open and enter, you may".

The sinner then opens the first door and sees people on pikes being roasted in fire and shits himself.

He asks to go to door number two and and opens it. There inside he sees people being smashed by giants and they heal immediately and again they're smashed.

The sinner is terrified and can't believe what he's seeing.

Finally opens the third door and as far as the eye can see there was a pool of shit and thousands of people standing in the pool covered in shit below the waist and drinking tea and eating biscuits.

The sinner thinks to himself, well this is nice, just stand in the pool of shit for all eternity and you also get stuff to eat and drink, no torture, no burning. I'll take this one yells the sinner and the Devil grants it.

Two demons strip him naked and he enters the pool of shit.

A demon with wings flies near the sinner and hands him a cup of tea and a pack of biscuits.

The sinner is delighted and just as he was about to take the first sip, an announcement is made "Everyone, Tea break is over, Dive your Heads down and put your Feet up".

Euro-English

As a part of Brexit negotiations, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will remain the official language of the European Union rather than German, which has been regarded by many as a better choice.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Bovine Economics...

Basic Economics, brought up to date...

SOCIALISM - You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbor.

The government charges a gift tax.

COMMUNISM - You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM - You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM - You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM - You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM - You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

GOLDMAN SACHS (VENTURE) CAPITALISM - You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION - You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION - You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION - You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION - You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION -
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION - You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION - You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION - You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION - You have two cows.

The one on the left looks rather attractive.........